Thursday, July 29, 2010

Lack of Sleep

Friends…I have written one continuous thought, but broken it into bite size pieces and will post over a few days so you don’t get bored reading a book. I talk about one of my friends here, but please know that anyone could put their name into that space and make this story their own. I hope you can feel the open love pouring from my soul as I wrote it. This is for anyone who may find themselves in a space of change and craving acceptance from those who they love most.


I couldn’t sleep last night (a Saturday night). When I last looked at the clock it said 3:43am. Now granted, I only got home at 2, but I was giving a serious effort to sleep for over an hour before my brain finally conceded.

Unfortunately this morning, I woke at 7:34am. 7:30 has been my normal time to wake this summer so I wasn’t really surprised, but I WAS pissed. Of all the mornings to wake early- NOT TODAY! My brain is full, my heart overflowing, my spirit crying out for peace...and sleep is momentary peace when none else can be found. I would have gladly slept the day away like a teenager- to crawl into dreamland and pull the covers over my head, releasing the cares, frustrations and emotions of the conscious mind was truly, the most enticing escape. But of course, my responsible mind overrode that which every other fiber of my being wanted… and woke me with a song in my head.

Now if you know me, you know that music speaks to me. I think in lyrics. Many times when I am unable to express my thoughts or emotions, a pocket in my mind is opened and lyrics float out, giving me words to think about and then fashion into something my conscious brain can wrap around. Always, I feel better after the exploration process. So this morning, while looking for comfort, I am diving into these lyrics I barely know.

“… just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that’s alright, cuz I like the way it hurts.”

These are probably not all of the right words, but that is beside the point. The point is that these are the words my brain fed me this morning to think about- after a night of events I didn’t quite understand.

I fell asleep with weight on my mind and woke with a million thoughts running through my head, all jumbled, disconnected and looking for resolution. And again, if you know me, you know that my brain likes resolution: thoughts, emotions and tunes to songs as well! So I know my brain is searching this morning, attempting to make sense out of this train wreck that keeps replaying in my mind. And THESE lyrics are supposed to bring me the comfort I am looking for? Let’s see how it plays out…

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

He thinks I am amazing

So I have been dating this guy Bruce, for several months now... we have a lot of fun together, stimulating conversation, definite chemistry and man does he make me smile... and laugh! I used to think I was incapable of true laughter because I didn't seem to find anything anyone else thought was funny, funny. But thankfully he has proved me wrong!

You know how in the beginning of a relationship, friend or otherwise, you kinda hold back a little so you don't overwhelm them with the quirkiness others have come to love, instead of just find annoying...We have reached that point that I find myself allowing a little more of me to sneak out every time we are together. I feel like a stick of dynamite though... trying to let the wick burn slowly so he doesn't get the BOOM all at once. Hmmm...I kinda BOOMED tonight.

I totally exploded my day all over him. Told him all about the boy who is fighting with his parents and staying at my place right now, the conversation I had with him about learning life lessons and making better decisions, talking with the dad of this boy and not accepting the problems he was attempting to push on me, having the "talk" about rules, chores, food, finances etc with the boy who is living with our family this school year, making dinner for not only the 8 people in my home, but also my friend's family as I took her to the hospital after getting dinner in the oven. Sat with her until her husband came, went home and showered quickly so I didn't smell like my workout clothes when I went to meet Bruce, and verbally vomit all over him! Can you say WOW! It was a day.

I was of course talking a mile a minute, but he appeared to be following just fine. He did throw me off once with a "soooooo....", just trying to participate in some way. I laughed and moved on. When I finally stopped to take a breath, he asked how I did it all. I just told him it happened like that every once in a while and you just do it! He said I should rename my home the pound. I giggled because my friends Dave and Scott (who visited for dinner last night when there were 11 around the table) asked if I attracted every stray puppy dog around... too funny. So happy this home has become a safe and comfy gathering place.

So, I finished, took a breath and looked over at Bruce with him telling me to rename my house while grinning at me, and I worried for half a second that I had revealed too much and the dynamite had exploded!

Then he said I was amazing ...